


You Still Have All of Me (and it’s driving me crazy)

by pandaanna01



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Depression, M/M, Songfic, Suicide, this is really sad tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-01
Updated: 2016-09-01
Packaged: 2018-08-12 07:20:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,881
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7925698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandaanna01/pseuds/pandaanna01
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Phil has left, but Dan still can’t forget about him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Still Have All of Me (and it’s driving me crazy)

**Author's Note:**

> This was edited by [phunwithphan](http://phunwithphan.tumblr.com/) on tumblr (thank you so much Kendra). Enjoy!

_I’m so tired of being here_  
_Suppressed by all my childish fears_  
_And if you have to leave_  
_I wish that you would just leave_  
_‘Cause your presence still lingers here_  
_And it won’t leave me alone_

Outside, the weather was amazing. The sun was shining, there were very few clouds in the sky, it was warm with a slight, cool breeze. Dan could even hear a few kids laughing and yelling lively from outside the open window; he could see couples and families walking down the street holding hands and enjoying the rare sunshine. Birds were chirping cheerfully outside, cars were honking, people’s constant conversational chatter drifted in through the window.  

Inside, not so much. All the windows were closed, the blinds drawn. The lights were turned off, bar the one in the room that Dan was currently occupying. The tv was on, but nobody was watching it. The computer had YouTube pulled up, but nobody had pressed play. The phone rang, but nobody picked it up. The doorbell sounded, but nobody answered the door. It was like Dan was gone, or dead. 

Dan, in fact, was not gone (or dead), just hiding. Hiding from various things: life, the outside, people, his memories. He still lived in their flat, or rather, his flat now that Phil had moved out. Phil had left half a year ago after a huge fight – it was over nothing important now that Dan thinks back to it – and broke up with him over text a few days later. He didn’t take any of this things when he stormed out, and he never came back to get them. His room and everything in it stayed the same, nothing was touched or moved except the bed. Every night, Dan would sleep in Phil’s bed, imagining that Phil was still there, sleeping next to him. Phil’s scent was still faintly there, though most of it was washed out by Dan’s tears.

In reality, Phil was on the other side of London, living in a new flat with a new ‘friend’, as joyous and carefree as he usually was, not weighed down by the monstrous responsibility that was Dan and everything that came with him. Dan’s earlier attempts at talking to Phil after their fight and breakup ended in him being blocked, both online and through texts and phone calls. Dan’s chapter in Phil’s life was officially over, and Dan could do nothing about it.

That didn’t mean that Dan had to forget about Phil. Instead, he unhealthily drowned himself in everything related to Phil during the month after their breakup. He binge-watched all of Phil’s videos, went through all of their texts at least twice, read through The Amazing Book is Not on Fire enough times that he could recite the whole book front to back. He played the seven second challenge so much he went through all of the challenges that they had, re-watched the Amazing Tour is Not on Fire to the point that he could act everything out again. He practically locked himself in Phil’s room.

After a month of doing so, Louise and Pj forcefully dragged him out of the house, although it wasn’t any help. Everything reminded Dan of Phil, from the parks they visited to the little coffee shop just down the road from his flat. By the time the three of them had returned to the flat, Dan was nearly sobbing from the memories. When Louise and Pj left, Dan closed the door to Phil’s room for the last time (he hoped), and vowed to forget Phil, or at least make it so life was bearable again. 

_These wounds won’t seem to heal_  
_This pain is just too real_  
_There’s just too much that time cannot erase_

A few months passed. It had been almost a year since Phil left. Phil still sat at the back of Dan’s mind, constantly popping up, but the weight had become a bit more manageable. Dan had finally stopped breaking down and sobbing every time something reminded him of Phil, (although it did still happen from time to time). He still couldn’t bear looking at Phil’s door, much less opening it. 

He had ran into a fan in the shop who brought up Phil. Making quick apologies and running out of the store, memories of Phil flooded his mind. When he got to his flat, had locked the front door, and hid in his room, he collapsed on the floor, overwhelmed by memories of Phil. Try as he might, he still hadn’t managed to let go of Phil. 

_When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears_  
_When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears_  
_And I held your hand through all of these years_  
_But you still have all of me_

Two years had gone by. Phil had faded into a distant memory, only showing up at night in his dreams. He finally revisited the internet, loading up Tumblr and YouTube for the first time since Louise and Pj came over during that first month. He got back into the flow of making videos, uploading the first video he had made in two years. He read some of the comments – most were happy that he’d uploaded, some were curious as to where he’d been, a few others asked about Phil. 

His memories of Phil appeared in his dreams (and nightmares). Brief flashes of past happenings: the time Phil cried when watching Bambi for the tenth time, all the times that Dan soothed Phil when he would wake up screaming from his nightmares, their fights to other parts of the world. When he woke up, he would feel a slight sadness in his chest, but an acceptance of Phil’s leaving would console him.

He still hadn’t opened Phil’s door or watched any of Phil’s new videos and livestreams, though he had watched their tour movie and documentary again. 

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light_  
_Now I’m bound by the life you left behind_  
_Your face — it haunts my once pleasant dreams_  
_Your voice — it chased away all the sanity in me_

Three years had passed since the breakup. Dan finally was able to watch Phil’s videos without any longing or sadness. He watched all of Phil’s videos from the past three years and the ‘Phil is not on fires’ that they’d done. He realized many things: Phil was now dating his ‘friend’; he had announced that he was dating his ‘friend’; Phil had carried on their traditional pinof’s with his ‘friend’; Phil had completely forgotten who Dan was (he knew this because in a Q&A video he did, Phil was confused about who ‘danisnotonfire’ was). After finishing watching all of the videos he hadn’t yet watched, Phil became a kind of repressed memory: thrown in a box, locked up, and pushed to the back of his mind. 

A few months later, he ran into Phil, quite literally. He was out, walking around, ducking into shops at various points and looking around. When he was walking out of an old favorite, Phil just so happened to be walking inside, and they collided and fell on top of each other – Dan on top of Phil. Dan helped Phil up, the latter still a tad bit shorter than him. He introduced himself, to which Phil had only replied, “it’s nice to meet you, I don’t believe we’ve met before,” with a look of confusion. Dan made his apologies and practically ran out the door. Seeing Phil had made all of the memories come back stronger, and he only just managed to hold back his tears until he reached his flat. 

He remembered what drew him to Phil in the first place: his cheerful happiness and smile, a presence that seemed to outshine the sun. He had promised himself he wouldn’t open Phil’s door, but Dan suddenly found himself unable to control his impulses, and collapsed on Phil’s unused floor. He slept in Phil’s bed again, and dreamt of Phil. 

_These wounds won’t seem to heal_  
_This pain is just too real_  
_There’s just too much that time cannot erase_

It was like the last three years had never happened. The wound had reopened, it was like Phil had taken a knife and cut open the healed scar and thrown in some salt just for kicks. Phil was now constantly on his mind, a bad memory that would never seem to go away. Although Dan still made videos, it was apparent to his viewers that he seemed a lot more tired, his videos seemed halfhearted, he never looked at the comments. He stopped going on Tumblr, Twitter, and Instagram. 

Dan thought that he had finally gotten Phil out of his life, only to have it all come rushing back. 

_When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears_  
_When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears_  
_And I held your hand through all of these years_  
_But you still have all of me_

Phil started showing up in his dreams again (or nightmares rather). Past memories popping up at night, like the time Phil’d comforted him when he reacted badly to hate that he’d gotten, or the times when Phil would sit by him when he got lost in his existential crises. When morning came and he was woken up, his face was tear streaked from crying during the night. 

He had never really gotten over Phil. 

_I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone_  
_But though you’re still with me_  
_I’ve been alone all along_

A year passed. Dan thought that he really should get stitches for that wound in his heart, but he had no idea where to start. Everything hurt, and he had no desire to do anything. 

He pushed all his friends away, except for Louise and Pj who had been there from the beginning, and refused to go outside. He was deathly pale, far too skinny, and constantly tired,  though all he’d done was sleep. He tried relentlessly to convince himself that Phil was on a really long holiday, perhaps visiting his parents, and that he’d be back soon, but deep down, he knew that Phil just wasn’t coming back.

He was alone. 

_When you cried I’d wipe away all of your tears_  
_When you’d scream I’d fight away all of your fears_  
_And I held your hand through all of these years_

Dan desperately wished that Phil was still there, hugging him and telling him that everything was okay, that everything was going to be alright. He was slipping deeper and deeper into the hole he had dug himself into, and he had no ladder or rope to climb out of it. 

It was October 19, and Dan couldn’t hang on any longer. He pressed upload on one final video to YouTube titled ‘Goodbye Internet.’ As the screen delightfully told him “processing,” he swallowed a handful of various pills. Dan felt himself getting drowsy soon, and succumbed to sleep with ease. His phone, lying next to him displayed a text reading “Goodbye Phil. I hope you’re happy.” 

An unsent “I love you” rested in the text bar. 

_But you still have all of me_

_**[The text was unable to be sent]** _

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! You can find me on tumblr [here](http://pandaanna01.tumblr.com/) under the same username.


End file.
